Hi, I’m Simon Belmont and I just went on a crazy ass adventure. Ya know, back in 1688 I was telling some fellas down at the local inn as I was passing through that someone “oughta take a whip and beat ol Dracula right in the fucking mouth with it” and then we all had a toast and a good laugh. Well, here I am three years later to the day almost to tell you I did just that. It was crazy.
So, I’m at the pub again one night (yeah I have a bit of a problem but why don’t you mind your business, you sound like my old-lady) and I get a crazy idea. See, speaking of my “old lady” (she hated when I called her that), she left me for another man which is nuts because I’m ripped like a beautiful man machine. In basic dark age terms, I’m a tall glass of sex potion. I wear a loin cloth, I wax my chest which is totally unheard of in the 1690’s, and I carry a whip around like the giant badass I am. I decided after about my twelfth barley wine that I was going to win her back by killing Dracula. It would be all over the headlines in a couple weeks since news travels slow here in the dark ages because everyone is diseased and we get around on rickshaws, but still when she finds out she'll be begging for me.
Still a little buzzed, I stroll up to the front gate of Dracula’s castle. I look up, see the spires silhouetted in the moonlight, distant screams echo from afar. I check the address again...I think this is it. There’s a wall around the outside lit by torches, looks like he’s home. The gate isn’t locked, I open it and waltz in. My first thought is there are a lot of candles, who maintains this?
To cover my approach in the cloak of darkness, I start whipping out the candles and torches I find along the way. The last thing I need is him to see me coming and then sic his goons on me. As soon as I enter the castle though, a horde of mindless zombies rush at me, arms outstretched and mouths agape. I whip them to death, it’s really not an issue, but who could live in such a place? Dracula needs to hire an exterminator and STAT.
I fumble around the first floor a bit, accidentally went into the cellar and found some sea monsters, and quickly went back upstairs because fuck that noise. I did not sign up for sea monsters, I'm in a castle not a lake. That’s when I come across a giant bat chilling on the ceiling. At first I thought it was a decorative statue until it swooped down and tried to murder me and I was like, “I’ll be damned, that’s a real bat.” I found an ax laying near by and tossed it up in the air trying to hit this giant winged rabies infected hell rat and eventually did enough damage to kill it. Not so bad I thought but I knew it was only going to get worse moving forward.
I move on across the bowels of the castle knowing I need to work my way upstairs at this point if I’m ever going to get to Dracula. I reach a dead end with a staircase and start working my way up and come in contact with armed knights patrolling the staircase. I can’t tell if there are actually people in the armor or something possessed but I don’t ask questions. I whip those bastards to death and keep moving, too scared to look down.
Eventually I get to these mechanical smasher things in the middle of the hallway. “The hell are these for?” I wonder. My buzz is starting to wear off but I’m still determined to reach the end so I time my way through them. Maybe they’re there for security? I don’t know, just felt like a weird place to smash shit is all I’m saying.
Upstairs isn’t too bad, a lot of the castle is dilapidated so I have to leap over giant chasms while not getting hit with… flying medusa heads? What is up with that? Where do they come from? I know for sure my buzz has worn off and I’ve basically given up on trying to explain the things I find in here with logic. I just try my best to dodge them because they don’t stop coming. It’s also at this point that I realize Dracula probably knows I’m here or else he wouldn’t have turned on the medusa head generator because it seems like a waste of resources to leave that on all the time.
I reach a cathedral area near the tower I just climbed and lo-and-be-freaking-hold if I don’t find a statue of Medusa herself. It looks pretty neat and I approach it to admire the sculpture but then the damn thing came to life and I start whipping like a madman. Fortunately, I found some holy water downstairs so I tried to drench that snake-headed-bitch’s face with it and boy she did not like that. She ends up dying and melting into a pile of acid on the floor and I step over her and continue on. Too far in now to quit and already I realize no one is going to believe me when I tell them what I’ve seen.
In order to get to the main part of the castle, I’m thinking I need to walk across the ledge I’m at and re-enter the castle further down. I walk through the garden that Dracula has clearly neglected for a few centuries and run into a few little jumping hunchback dudes. They’re creepy as hell, probably worse than the zombies. They jumped at me from about 30 feet away and I start whipping like crazy as if I had been drenched with a bucket of spiders. Get these dudes OFF ME! Unfortunately, there are a few more of them. They say nothing they just leap at me like giant pissed off fleas. It’s terrifying and I hate it very much.
After that I find a skeleton throwing his own bones at me. I stop to laugh for a second because I’m like, “Yo, bro, you’ll run out of ammo if you aren’t careful!”, because ya know, he’s throwing his own bones at me but then I realize he’s still throwing them after a few minutes. “Wait… where are these bones coming from?” Now I’m freaked out, I whip him in the face and he shatters into pile of splinters and I move on. “That was weird,” I said as I made my way to the roof.
Now I’m outside and I’m pretty high up over the gardens. Suddenly, crows. Even the wildlife here is a dick. They start swooping at me like they haven’t had any real flesh to pick at for eons. I try my best to dodge them and whip them in the face but they’re relentless. What a nightmare this place is. Finally, I make it back to the inside of the castle only to find a pair of pissy mummies waiting for me.
At first I was stoked because mummies are pretty neat but as I got in for a closer look those assholes came to life and started chasing me all the while throwing bits of their mummy wrap at me. You wouldn’t think this would hurt, I mean it’s like throwing toilet paper at me but turns out that shit stings… bad. It must be enchanted or poisoned or something. I don’t know, I’m just a drunk guy with a whip. Either way, I got up on a ledge away from them and spanked them in their mummified mouth holes until they died. “Mummies… what a bunch of bastards,” I said as I stepped over their lifeless piles of coiled wrap on my way out.
Then I fuck up. The caveat to spanking out all the candles is that it’s dark as shit in here and I can’t really see where I’m going half the time. I end up falling about 30 floors back down to a cave where those fucking sea monsters are. I cannot stand sea monsters and I want to nope out of this place. They keep splashing up out of the water and saying “Babadook” and I’m going to need a new loin cloth before it’s all said and done.
It’s swampy down here and it stinks of rotted flesh. There are human bones piled so high in the cave, they stick out of the water. It’s a real mess. Dracula sure has killed a lot of innocent people, I've decided. There’s bats down here too but thankfully nothing like that big mother I fought earlier. I survive down there but I need a bath. I find a staircase and basically leap up it, fuck down here.
Turns out, the archway I come to leading back to the castle is RIFE with those hunchback flea fucks and this time they have help. There’s an army of giant birds dropping them on me! I bet Dracula is staring out of a castle window at me right now, cackling his old ass off. I’m a mess down here at this point. They’re dropping and once again I’m whipping all around as if a swarm of bees suddenly descended on me. I whip so frantically I accidentally whipped my own toe once and now I’m hopping on one leg trying to survive.
I finally get to the end and a serpent-like fire breathing bone snake comes out of the wall to greet me. Had I not just been through flea-fuck-man hell I would have been totally surprised and probably a little afraid of this thing but I’ve seen it all at this point. I stay cool and whip this bitch in the face until it gives up. I’m back in the castle now, suck it Dracula.
The hallway I’m going down feels oddly relaxed compared to what I’ve just been through. Maybe I’ve outdone the opposition that Dracula has thrown at me. I get cocky and start skipping down the hall before remembering my toe still hurts. That’s about the time I come to a big room and find mother fucking Frankenstein’s monster! I heard tale of Frankie as a kid and always thought it would be cool to see him up close. My dad once took me to a carnival where Dr. Frankenstein showed off the monster and I thought it was so rad but the lines were really long and I never got a good look. That was back in the 1670’s though, stupid hippies ruined everything. So at first when I see Frankie’s monster I’m like “OH SNAP!!” and I run over to him like a child at a carnival freak show running up to their favorite freak but son of a bitch, he starts trying to kill me and he has a flea-man to help him out. My childhood comes crashing down in an instant and I realize I have to kill Frankenstein’s monster.
This kinda sucks but fortunately I still had some holy water in my pocket and I douse him with some while I spank his Franken-face. He eventually goes down but I’m hurt pretty bad. Dr. Frankenstein made a real bastard.
It’s time to move on up and I’ll need to go through the castle’s prison to do it. I expect this to be pretty spooky and full of undead so I load up on more holy water I find and get to crackin’.
Right out of the gate, flea fucks. They're so squirrelly and I know I look like a buffoon swatting at them with the whip but it must be done. Lots of skeletons are running around here too which is no problem except for the red ones. I cracked one with the whip like I do the rest and walked past them. My toe is starting to get infected so I pause for a second and bend down to give it a rub and massage it a little. You're supposed to massage an infection according to 1600's medical advice. I hear a scuffle on the floor behind me, where I just came from, and I’ll be dang if that red skeleton didn’t put itself back together and come at me again. I scream like a little child and whip around as if I accidentally pissed in the wind and swat him back down. Great, now I can’t turn my back on anything in here. This is starting to not be worth it.
The upper half of the dungeon isn’t too bad but I make sure to keep my holy water handy, that’s always been good for killing the big baddies I come in contact with. Everything is going pretty well until I get to a hallway with flying medusa heads and possessed knights who are throwing axes at me. I start just trying to whip at things but I quickly realize too many things are coming at me at once and I can’t really keep track of it all. I reach for the holy water and just start jumping and tossing it. This seems to work, the knights are a bit dumb so they just walk right into the puddles left by the holy water while I dodge the medusas. I make it to the end of the hall, real proud of what I just overcome only to realize I wish I hadn’t.
The Grim. Goddamn. Reaper. I told ya’ll you wouldn’t believe it! The reaper appears out of nowhere and starts throwing these sharp sickles at me. He is no joke and is scary as hell. I reflexively reach for the holy water and just start drowning him in it and swatting at his scythe-arangs with my whip. This appears to work and he dies in no time but I’m not unscathed. I’m cut up pretty bad. I look out over the precipice and realize I have to gallop across the tip top of the castle and it’s broken all to shit. It’s going to be a tough road and I see a few giant bats hanging out waiting for me. “No bueno,” I say under my breath. “That’s Spanish for ‘no good’,” I clarify for no one in particular.
I don’t have an ax on hand and holy water is hard to throw up in the air, I’m going to have to outsmart them. I feel they can only detect movement, being blind bats and all, so I’ll run a bit and stop and let them swoop and then dart by them, jumping from ledge to ledge. The ledges hurt my toe. It’s worth mentioning I’m still bitching about the toe.
I reach a clock tower and it’s chaos in there. I just run. Up until now I felt spanking all the creepy things would be good because they would all be dead and I could be at ease when creepy things were dead but there are just too many. I haul ass through the clock tower and find a staircase leading up to a foreboding cathedral. I also really need to use the bathroom but I don’t see one. There’s literally not a single toilet in this place. 190 rooms, no where to piss. Ridiculous. Do vampires piss though? I think about this as I try to hold it and move on. The sign above the next door says “Dracula wuz here”. Aha! I’ve found him.
I march up the staircase with purpose. I finally made it. That pale, sharp toothed albino blood sucking prick is mine! LOOK AT ME NOW LAURA, I’M BEATING DRACULA FOR YOU, PLZ TAKE ME BACK!
Dracula appears before me out of nowhere. “That’s not fair” I think to myself but he throws three fireballs at me out of his cape and hits me in the face with one before I can convince him it’s not fair he can teleport and I can’t. I get the feeling he wouldn't care if I tried to bring it up so I let it go. Fireballs sting like a bitch and I actually quite hate it so I try my best to jump out the way of those and spank him in the face with my whip at the same time. This works pretty well but you should see it when I spank him in the face. He doesn’t flinch, he just takes it. It’s starting to CRACK me up, no pun intended but I giggle every time the end of my whip hits his dumb stupid dead cheeks and they ripple a little bit. I don’t know why. It’s been a long night, shut up.
While I’m whipping him, he keeps appearing behind me all creepy like. He’s not saying anything either, it’s so weird. He’s a lot creepier up close, for sure, but when he just appears behind you and breathing all hard, it’s super sketchy. I feel vulnerable in this loin cloth as is but him creepin up like that really gave me the willies. Anyway, I spank his face to death and I’m thinking that’s it but NOPE, he turns into a giant winged monster.
I throw my arms up in a shrugging motion. “Jesus H.” I say outloud, completely unamused and unimpressed at this point. I’ve been through hell tonight and I’ve basically decided this hasn’t been worth it, Laura will never believe me anyway, but now I have this giant asshole to deal with. I’m thinking I’ll just comically spank him in the face like I did his human form but turns out he doesn’t give a fuck about face spanks. He leaps in the air and lands on MY GODDAMN TOE!
I grab it with one arm and one-leggedly hop to the corner away from him, screaming “EEE” with each bounce. This is war. Stomping on a man’s infected toe is like shooting down his parachute, you just don’t do it. It’s 1691, what’s a parachute? Oh well.
Holy water, baby. I grab my last bottle and start flicking it on him like when you get rid of the excess water from your finger tips after using the washroom and then spanking him in the tits with my whip. Speaking of washroom, I could really use a toilet at this point.
Holy water flick, tit spank, holy water flick, tit spank. He kept trying to jump on my toe the whole time too, the son-of-a-bitch, but I kept dodging backward and dishing out my one-two punch. Finally, he goes down.
Now what? I’m in this stupid ass castle all by myself and have no way of proving to my love that I am truly not just some drunk. I’m a monster killing machine and I’m ready for love. Sigh. Maybe some other time.