I had beaten Batman: The Video Game for NES and there was literally no one there to witness it except my cat. In the past I’ve written about my time with an obscure title like Palamedes, my triumph of Paperboy and Contra, acting like a child playing Duck Tales, and even my acquirement of the dreadful Action 52 – but here was a game I had beaten all alone – in the dark – like a bat. cough…

“WTF Dude, you’ve never beaten Contra before?”

“Well, no,” I said, feeling the need to defend myself but instead just letting it go.

“Why not? It’s not that hard.”

“It’s not that hard,” I mocked sarcastically. “Yeah, it is. It’s tough. But to be honest, I’ve never really taken the time to sit down and try to seriously beat it. I’ve only just dabbled a few times.”

“WTF do you want for your birthday this year?” my wife asked two weeks out from my 31st big day.

“You have the list,” I said, referring to my video game collection I have meticulously organized on Google Sheets. I’ve forwarded the link to anyone who cares about me just in case they get a charity streak or wonder what I would like for a holiday gift. Spoiler alert: I still only get gift cards to Olive Garden.

"WTF is Palamedes?" I said as I pulled the turquoise/teal or whatever Pinterest wet-dream color of cartridge that is from the shelf. I don't even remember picking up the game and I hardly know what it could possibly entail from the name alone. Let's Google.