Day 4: AIDS, Cartoons, and Email
As you might expect, headlines in 1996 are remarkably less bleak than they are today. Since 2016, we have endured a news cycle wrought with terrifying implications. You could argue that it’s because doom news sells and media companies have to survive, or you could make an equally legitimate argument that there is just more doom news now. Both of these things are likely true. To be fair, 1996 isn’t that much different in the way headlines are written, but the substance of those headlines imply consequences that are arguably less critical most of the time, at least, compared to today. 2021 me is likely jaded by the modern news cycle and conditioned to focus on every incident that might lead to world destruction, a fall of democracy, or even sometimes, an untimely celebrity death. In 1996, headlines centered on job losses due to manufacturing moving away from the United States, Bob Dole winning republican primaries with all the momentum of the party, and Rudy Guliani rolling out new policy in New York City. Even in a 1996 headspace, you get the sense that everything is fine and in hindsight things mostly were although the seeds of the future we accept today are being planted as I scroll through headlines from 25 years ago. One headline that sticks out describes a new AIDS drug that is proving very promising. Mentioned in the article is a familiar name: Dr. Anthony S. Fauci. In contradiction to that uplifting bit of health news, McDonalds discontinued its reduced-fat burger as well as side salads and chef’s salads.
“If it makes you happy
It can’t be that bad”
She has a shrine. You know who else had a shrine? Jeffrey Dahmer.
If only I could watch cartoons and glean something deeper but there’s simply nothing deeper to glean. Rocko’s Modern Life is just a terra firma Spongebob with a mildly more tolerable Ren & Stimpy coat of paint. I loved Rocko as a kid but in 2021 it’s just animals screaming. His modern life was rough even by ‘96 standards. Hey Arnold! is less screaming and more harassment. Helga’s hard-on for Arnold always made me uncomfortable as a kid and I’m happy to report that it still makes me uncomfortable today. What if I were really into it now instead?
We could reboot this idea on YouTube TODAY.
Do you remember Action League Now? It’s about a group of mismatched and used action figures who band together to form an elite crime fighting squad and it’s recorded in all live-action, chuckimation. There’s a super heroine, a wrestler-guy, and a few other G.I. Joe type action figures rounding out the cast. I remember as a kid thinking that was really stupid and avoiding it and Kablam! altogether. I’m watching it right now and it’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen since 1996 porn from a few nights ago. They explode a car in one of these episodes! The show's budget is a coupon for five free things from Goodwill and in one episode they actually put money into sending a car off a cliff and exploding it! If I were a betting man, and I am, I would put money on there being a body in the trunk. That show just has the vibes of something financed by an eastern European cult. Aside from Helga, what unsettled me as a 10 year old boy piques my interest as a pathetic adult man and vice versa.
Those knees are about to be scrambled eggs.
I gave the bloody giblet generator Quake a rest last night in favor of more tranquil experiences. You know what’s bloody tranquil? Pilotwings 64. Granted, I probably killed more living things (myself) playing Pilotwings 64 than I have in Quake. There may be nothing more satisfying than completing a perfect mission of Pilotwings 64. Gliding through the air and marvelously timing your descent to land square in the middle of the target without shattering both your kneecaps feels so good. Almost as good as not skidding off the runway and into the vast sea to slowly drown from being strapped to pounds of flying equipment. Almost as good. Pilotwings 64 is an impressive game, especially for a launch title, and 1996 was fortunate to have it.
2004 Masterpiece.
After Pilotwings 64 reached a point where progress was scarce, I decided to try Ken Griffey Jr.’s Winning Run on the Super Nintendo. Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball is a fantastic baseball game and a favorite of mine but that came out in 1994. The sequel has to be better, right? I always assume a sequel will be better, but why do I think that? There is very little evidence of this ever happening, starting with the Bible. There have only been two good sequels ever but I’m not going to name them here because they aren’t out yet in 1996 (when did Shrek 2 come out?) Anyway, no, Winning Run is not good or at least I’m not good at it. I managed 2 hits in a game I lost 7-0. It wasn’t fun even once and I’m decent at sports games, especially ones from this era because that is all I played at the time. I just have never played this one. I can’t even remember what I liked so much about the game from 1994 to better understand why Winning Run sucks so much but I can’t play it to find out because I’m doing this fucking 1996-only thing.
Who wants to be the first to claim Sexpert69@hotmail.com? Wait. How is that ALREADY taken? This is the first day!
Last thing today: email. In Crichton’s Airframe the lead character must interface regularly with overseas flight administrations about a particular accident involving an international flight. After the author spends a little too much time detailing the ins-and-outs of then-modern airliners with all of their miles and miles of cables, ability to record up to 30 minutes of data from the cockpit, and advances in data acquisition so complex only a high paid team of NASA dropouts could understand, he then details how communication between the main character and these companies amounts to faxes, phone calls, and limited data transmission texts. Email was around in 1996 but per the time of Crichton’s research for his novel, it was not mainstream enough to be a conventional way to communicate internationally. In 1996, professionals were on the phone A LOT.
