Is That a Bee in My Pants? A Tale of Overcoming Adversity in the Face of Danger

(This story was submitted through the Polymedia Writer’s Guild - Visit Patreon.com/polykill to learn more.)

It was a mid-summer day like any other. The sun was high in the early afternoon sky. The air carried an easy breeze and the temperature was unseasonably mild. A very nice day. There were no indications of my upcoming perils. But be assured, I was tested this day. A test of my mortality and my morality. Apologies in advance, to tell this tale accurately, some unfortunate vulgarities are necessary.

I was driving from one work location to the next. Having just entered the expressway, I was accelerating and was nearly at top speed. Being a mild and temperate afternoon, I had my window down, my elbow was resting on the window frame, and the wind was blowing my hair. And that's when it happened. A small round-bodied…something passed just over my arm and hit the center post behind my left shoulder with an unnerving 'ping'. Even before I'd had time to fully process the sound, the impact inertia caused this…thing to bounce up and forward, just high enough to enter my field of vision and with just enough momentum to land directly in my lap. My eyes darted down just in time to watch a dark object roll from the top of my right leg…directly down the gap between my upper thighs. A stranger had come to taint valley.

My eyes widened. What the hell was that? What is currently under me? Was that a harmless June bug or is it a pissed-off murder hornet? Do I try to reach under myself or should I stay as still as possible? Time froze until I was reminded of the fact that I'm hurling down the road at 100 feet per second in a two-ton hunk of metal surrounded by other drivers who have no idea I'd taken on an unwanted passenger in my gooch gulch.

Ok, focus.

I'm sitting on some kind of biological time bomb, my family jewels resting on the stinger of Damocles.

Perhaps this doesn't sound that dramatic to you. But I've had a fear of wasps, hornets, and bees since childhood. I'm allergic to stings and every time I've been stung it felt shocking and unprovoked. The last sting I had happened years ago when I was dressing in the morning, getting ready to catch the bus to middle school. My mother had dried the laundry outside on a clothesline and a wayward wasp got itself trapped inside my trousers. And as I slipped my nude legs into those trousers the next day, it let me know it wasn't happy about it by stinging me a few times on my upper leg and thigh. A very rude awakening, indeed. And now, all of my carried fear and paranoia was flooding back.

It’s said that the true measure of a person is not how they behave in good times, but how they act in a crisis. It’s also said that emergencies can cause your perceptions to change. With my newly found powers of honey-nut clarity, I immediately understood my options. I’m currently in the left lane in a cluster of other vehicles. There’s no place to pull off here and there’s no shoulder on this stretch of road for another mile and that’s after two more on-ramps. But at this speed, I’m only about four to five minutes away from my destination where I can safely park and exit the vehicle.

1) I can remain calm, ride it out, and risk getting stung in the nutsack.

Or

2) I can freak the hell out, endanger my life and the lives of those around me, and possibly still get stung in the nutsack.

I weighed my options, assessed my life and its importance, and in barely a moment, I solemnly decided.

I didn't have to be happy about it, but I would choose to remain calm and accept whatever fate serves me. I don't know what getting stung in the scrotum feels like, nor do I want to know, but that is what I picked over potentially hurting anyone else. Whatever pain it may bring for however long, I will bear it until I can leave this roadway in a safe manner.

The half of my brain trying to remain zen was in a battle with the half wanting to wig out.

For the remainder of this drive, I worked to stay as calm as my body would allow. Oh God. I have to fight the urge to lift up out of my seat. Oh God. I don’t think I can drive in that position safely, or hold it for long. And then I may lower myself directly on the whatever-it-is. Oh God. My sphincter really wanted to constrict out of sheer fear, but I was much more afraid of accidentally pinching that thing in, so I took a breath.

Oh God.

I widened my sitting stance ever so subtly and I give the surrounding traffic plenty of leeway.

Oh God Oh God.

I drove with a sense of absolute presence, consciousness, and lucidity that would make a yoga master jealous. The whole while I'm preparing for and dreading the inevitable pain. Except…nothing happens.

I eventually exited the highway, parked at work, and reassessed without moving. If I try to reach down there, I could get a sting to my hand, or worse, accidentally press it up against my undercarriage for a sting there. So I figured my safest bet would be to exit the vehicle slowly and carefully while trying to avoid clasping my buttcheeks together in the process. I swiftly opened the door and pirouetted to my feet in one smooth motion with the grace and finesse of some kind of feline ballerina. I could finally check my car seat and solve this mystery.

There was nothing there.

My eyes scanned my car seat then the floorboards, confused. Could it have already crawled away? I looked again. Could it be on the ground around me? I looked there. Did I imagine the whole thing?

IS IT STILL ON ME?

IS IT…. IN ME?

I immediately bent over at the waist and visually inspected under my crotch. And that’s when I saw those tale-tell black and yellow stripes. I bolted back upright in horror. At that moment I almost lost control and started to panic dance, but I stopped myself. I hadn't come this far to lose it now!

I bent back over and this obviously bewildered bee was barely clinging to life and to the fabric of my slacks. The only thing I had in my hand was my car keys but with them, I was able to scrape and flick it off of me. It landed on the ground nearby and I gave it a somber end with my shoe.

I swear every detail of this story is true to my ability to recall it. Here's the body as proof.

It doesn't look like much here, but I swear to you if you ever have a stinging insect riding your balls at 70 MPH you'll imagine it's the size of a Buick too.

Until this happened, I'd have not been able to predict how I might have reacted in this situation. But through this experience, I'm more confident in my resilience, my ability to prioritize, and my presence of mind under pressure. And I hope you pass any tests of adversity that come buzzing into your life, too.